"The Ballad Of Bernard"
                             Written by Tom Hoy
                          Copyright 2023
Hear the Song Ballad of Bernard
It was back in 1854 in a quiet country town
When the word went out in a panic shout
That the Devil's been unbound.
Well women screamed and children cried
And old men passed away.
They said lock your doors 
And hide your whores
Bernard is on his way.

For years they heard the stories
That filled their hearts with dread.
Left grown men drinking whisky
And children crapping in their beds
For such was all the evil 
That was now approaching fast
It was the end of time for all mankind
Pent up in Bernard's ass.

Like a scourge he rode on into town
He was looking mighty mean.
He just polished off a dozen beers
And a ten pound can of beans
He jumped down from his filly
And the people cleared the streets
And then howled as his stomach growled
I need something more to eat.

He went into the town saloon
And walked up to the bar.
The barkeep wiped his sweaty brow
His legs were shaking hard.
And then Bernard just shouted out
And banged his big hand down.
Give me chicken, finger lickin'
You freaking friggin' clown.

A waitress they called Rosie
Started flirting with Bernard
She said I love a man who jiggles
You sexy tub of lard.
He said bitch I gotta warn ya
I'll only break your heart
Cause you're about to see
The worst in me
Cause I really gotta fart.

When Bernard was leaving
The sheriff blocked the door.
It looked like the final showdown
As people hit the floor.
The sheriff said we don't like your kind
It's time for you to go.
Then like a broken spell someone yelled
Look out he's going to blow.

Well they say it started slowly
Like the whistle of a train.
But soon it turned unholy
As Bernard began to strain.
People ran for cover
Or so the story goes.
Then there came a smell from the pit of Hell
When he finally let it go.

Well it blew out every window
In that little country town.
And it flattened every tree and fence
For a hundred miles around
And there was just a crater
And one tremendous stink
And the local drunk just took a dump
And said I need a drink.

And now you're probably wondering
What came of old Bernard.
Well he's headed for Uranus
Like some flaming lump of lard.
When you look up to the Heavens
Don't you ever fear for him.
Cause there's still some gas in that big fat ass
To bring him home again.

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This page was last updated: January 1, 2023
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This page was last updated: January 1, 2023

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